prayers and human-ness

Here I am up in the middle of the night. I've been meaning for a long time to use this space as a sort of prayer journal to document my prayers. Sort of a way for me to look back at the progression of my faith. Since I'm more or less at the bottom right now this is a good place to start. What I mean to say is that I'm at the bottom as far a selfishness in thoughts and prayers is concerned, not at the bottom in my faith. Does that make sense? Actually it doesn't really need to because I'm doing this for me. If you're here reading it that's your problem. The thing is I've run out of places to go with selfish immature thoughts and prayers, so this was the winner. It can't go on my "real blog" because too many people read it. What am I babbling about at 4:00 in the morning anyway?! Well, in a nutshell, I've been overwhelmed by prayers for people in my life who are currently suffering. Never far from my mind are two friends having hysterectomies this week, a friend whose husband just left her, Mike's aunt with breast cancer, and especially a sweet family whose husband/father just passed away yesterday morning after a long illness. My heart aches for all of these people. All this in addition to my regualar prayers for safety and health for all the people I love so much, and I almost can't even keep track of all my prayers. (thankfully God can!) But the real reason I'm up at 4 am has much more to do with the fact that some of my kids got cast in less than ideal parts in the current show. Isn't that insane and selfish?! This is why I don't want to broadcast these feelings all over the place. People (many that I know) have a lot of serious overwhelming things going on right now, and I'm whining about this?! Well, I'm going to try hard not to whine to anyone in real life or anywhere else, so this is why I am here at 4 am! We've been the ones with the serious overwhelming health issues. I distinctly remember conversations with people who were going through their own issues at the time. When your husband has been near death and still in the hospital, you don't really care so much if someone else's roof is leaking (literally or figuratively). One thing I do know though is that whatever anyone is going through it is big to them. I tend to take on what people I care about are going through so it's kind of twofold. I'm overwhelmed with prayers for others and then I have my own issues. Then I get annoyed with myself for sweating the small stuff when others are going through big stuff and then my brain won't shut up. My prayer tonight (this morning) is that hopefully by laying it all out here I can get it out of my head. You know the saying about when you have kids your heart walks around outside of your body. This is so true. The thing is, I think my kids are/ will be fine with the parts they got (one was sleeping when they came out, so he doesn't know yet), but their feelings are so overwhelmingly important to me it's a tough balance. The thing is I don't mind when they get a little disappointed, that is healthy and builds character. Also I pride myself on not being one of those "stage moms", also I shouldn't "pride myself" at all. Also my kids have a lot of big things going on a lot of the time anyway and they don't always have to be in the spotlight, also, also, also...UGH! See my brain just won't shut up! I'm not even thinking clearly and then I go back to, why am I spending so much time thinking like this when people I care about are going through "real" issues?! It's a cycle that never ends. Well, I'm trying to end it here.